There is a company that will take over all aspects of your online dating life. It'll doctor you up a profile, Photoshopping your photo if deemed necessary, handle all your winks/invites/"conversations" on up to 3 sites, and then let you know when and where to actually show up for the date they've lined you up.
Preferably, also with whom.
Because you won't "know" this person but they'll "know" you, unless you're willing to upgrade from the $360/month package to the ~$1440/month "Executive" package which, amongst other things, entitles you to an actual update as to how the hell they've been selling "you".
Now, people have been using intermediaries, most notably in the form of matchmakers, to line up dates/relationships going back forever. Where, to me, this service is particularly different is that the matchmaker doesn't traditionally pretend to be you during the process which, to be blunt, is really creepy. If you're this desperate for/incapable of getting a date, I suggest a more prudent employment of the cash be on a psychologist to resolve your issues.
Given how people react when they find out they've been deceived, that's far less likely to end up resulting in a regular stream of drinks towards your face in the long run.