Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Reviews from the Pad: Stormrage
We now deviate from our usual diet of Film material to deal with a book. Specifically, this one - the latest in a line of WoW novels. Having spent a couple days wading through it in the store, I can only say that I'm glad I didn't purchase it; Stormrage is a master's class in how writing fantasy fiction isn't easy. Why, you might wonder? Since I don't have the book in front of me, allow me to create wholesale an example of the kind of writing you will see in this book:
"Reaching deep down inside, <protagonist> allowed himself to open fully to the profound mystic powers for the first time - putting aside all fear - and began channelling them deep into the earth to draw forth that which he needed to his aid. Slowly, surely, nature began to respond to his calling; growing, expanding... reaching for the surface until...."
Oh, for fuck's sake, just scream "Entangling Roots!!" and get it over with!
Seriously, I began skipping and/or skim reading entire pages of text because nothing happened but long winded "channeling" and "counterspelling" for paragraph after paragraph. This is bad fantasy writing because it's both bloody boring and self-important. Not only that, but the entire book feels crafted around situations that call for it: throwing the characters from trouble spot to trouble spot with little to no breaks in between. Finally, everyone explains/describes everything in similar excessive detail; lavishing praise on the smallest plant through to the Glaive they picked up from the BS yesterday for 50 silver and a stack of light leather....
It's fucking painful to read and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. So, I'm going to summarize everything you might need to know happens between the end of LK and until somewhere before the Cataclysm occurs just to save the world more suffering. Yes, I'm Spoiling shit. Deal with it.
1) That pompous ass Fandral_Staghelm, current leader of the Cenarion Circle, was slow poisoning Malfurion Stormrage with all that Morrowgrain you were collecting. He's quite mad and controlled by a dream shadow of his long dead son. He's also responsible for the corruption ravaging Teldrasal; having grafted a twig of the tree Malfurion turned Xavius into onto the new world tree and tricked the CC into channeling corrupting energies from an unknown force (*cough*<insert old god here>*/cough*), into the tree itself.
By the end of the book he can be found in Camp Crazy Town for Elderly Druids having suffered a complete mental breakdown at the second loss of his "son" and defeat by Stormrage.
2) Malfurion Stormrage returns to Azeroth from the Emerald Dream; having largely purged the Nightmare from the Emerald Dream and defeated the Nightmare Lord - Xavius extending himself into the dream through his connection to Azeroth as a tree and, again, the backing of an unknown force. Which is an Old God. Place your bets. Him and Tyrande Whisperwind - you know, that priest... in the middle of the rest.... on the upper level of the Temple... who's your leader.... that you let die every other day or so.... 'cause no one cares about that shit? - finally get around to tying the knot after she's been griping at him for a few millennia for his colossal failure to commit to anything but plants, forest animals, and the Emerald Dream.
"We've been living in Sin for 1000 years! When are you going to marry me!!!"
"I'm sorry... what... err... just a sec.... yes... the Birds are calling!!! BRB".
"Fucking commitment-phobe. If it wasn't for the cat tongue..."
While she remains leader of the people, he's also now the co-leader, replaces Fandral at the CC and is, apparently, more powerful than any other Druid ever. Ysera suggests he's as powerful as, if not potentially more than her..... So, that's a 60 man city raid then?
3) Ysera was temporarily captured and corrupted by the Twilight Lord and freed by Malfurion. Just in case they need an excuse for why she's avoiding the dream in the future.
4) Teldrassil has been purged of it's corruption, finally blessed by at least one Dragon - Alexstrasza after being impressed by how "full of life it is" when the Druid's heal it from the damage done in the Malfurion/Fandral fight as well as Malfurion removing the Xavius graft - as well as double blessed in some way by Alex. and Ysera in the final act at the Stormrage/Whisperwind wedding. Hopefully this leads to an interesting new starting area for Cataclysm.
Bet it won't.
5) The Emerald Dream is purged of the Nightmare. Save one corner that Mal could only wall off... that seems attached to a mighty font of evil... that's definitely not an Old God... Honest....
6) A bunch of stuff happens to characters you've never heard of unless you've either waded through the other novels/comics or spend your days reading WoWWiki instead of doing something productive. Someday you'll see them have models in the game and go: "gee it's...."
No, I'm lying, you really won't give a shit about this bunch of Mary Sues. At all.
Flintlocke's in the game now though. This is far more important news!
"Reaching deep down inside, <protagonist> allowed himself to open fully to the profound mystic powers for the first time - putting aside all fear - and began channelling them deep into the earth to draw forth that which he needed to his aid. Slowly, surely, nature began to respond to his calling; growing, expanding... reaching for the surface until...."
Oh, for fuck's sake, just scream "Entangling Roots!!" and get it over with!
Seriously, I began skipping and/or skim reading entire pages of text because nothing happened but long winded "channeling" and "counterspelling" for paragraph after paragraph. This is bad fantasy writing because it's both bloody boring and self-important. Not only that, but the entire book feels crafted around situations that call for it: throwing the characters from trouble spot to trouble spot with little to no breaks in between. Finally, everyone explains/describes everything in similar excessive detail; lavishing praise on the smallest plant through to the Glaive they picked up from the BS yesterday for 50 silver and a stack of light leather....
It's fucking painful to read and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. So, I'm going to summarize everything you might need to know happens between the end of LK and until somewhere before the Cataclysm occurs just to save the world more suffering. Yes, I'm Spoiling shit. Deal with it.
1) That pompous ass Fandral_Staghelm, current leader of the Cenarion Circle, was slow poisoning Malfurion Stormrage with all that Morrowgrain you were collecting. He's quite mad and controlled by a dream shadow of his long dead son. He's also responsible for the corruption ravaging Teldrasal; having grafted a twig of the tree Malfurion turned Xavius into onto the new world tree and tricked the CC into channeling corrupting energies from an unknown force (*cough*<insert old god here>*/cough*), into the tree itself.
By the end of the book he can be found in Camp Crazy Town for Elderly Druids having suffered a complete mental breakdown at the second loss of his "son" and defeat by Stormrage.
2) Malfurion Stormrage returns to Azeroth from the Emerald Dream; having largely purged the Nightmare from the Emerald Dream and defeated the Nightmare Lord - Xavius extending himself into the dream through his connection to Azeroth as a tree and, again, the backing of an unknown force. Which is an Old God. Place your bets. Him and Tyrande Whisperwind - you know, that priest... in the middle of the rest.... on the upper level of the Temple... who's your leader.... that you let die every other day or so.... 'cause no one cares about that shit? - finally get around to tying the knot after she's been griping at him for a few millennia for his colossal failure to commit to anything but plants, forest animals, and the Emerald Dream.
"We've been living in Sin for 1000 years! When are you going to marry me!!!"
"I'm sorry... what... err... just a sec.... yes... the Birds are calling!!! BRB".
"Fucking commitment-phobe. If it wasn't for the cat tongue..."
While she remains leader of the people, he's also now the co-leader, replaces Fandral at the CC and is, apparently, more powerful than any other Druid ever. Ysera suggests he's as powerful as, if not potentially more than her..... So, that's a 60 man city raid then?
3) Ysera was temporarily captured and corrupted by the Twilight Lord and freed by Malfurion. Just in case they need an excuse for why she's avoiding the dream in the future.
4) Teldrassil has been purged of it's corruption, finally blessed by at least one Dragon - Alexstrasza after being impressed by how "full of life it is" when the Druid's heal it from the damage done in the Malfurion/Fandral fight as well as Malfurion removing the Xavius graft - as well as double blessed in some way by Alex. and Ysera in the final act at the Stormrage/Whisperwind wedding. Hopefully this leads to an interesting new starting area for Cataclysm.
Bet it won't.
5) The Emerald Dream is purged of the Nightmare. Save one corner that Mal could only wall off... that seems attached to a mighty font of evil... that's definitely not an Old God... Honest....
6) A bunch of stuff happens to characters you've never heard of unless you've either waded through the other novels/comics or spend your days reading WoWWiki instead of doing something productive. Someday you'll see them have models in the game and go: "gee it's...."
No, I'm lying, you really won't give a shit about this bunch of Mary Sues. At all.
Flintlocke's in the game now though. This is far more important news!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Reviews from the Pad: Get Low...
... is a character piece staring Robert Duvall as an aged Hermit of 40 years (a man also of much local speculation as to why), in the southern US during the early 1900s who, upon hearing of an acquaintance's death, decides he wants to have a funeral before he dies so he can attend for reasons which become more apparent as the film goes on. Primarily co-starring Sissy Spacek, Bill Murray, and Lucas Black as his long lost ex, the local funeral home owner, and the owner's assistant respectively, Get Low's solid cast delivers a film which balances the drama and combination of Dark and Light comedy found in the script extremely well. It's a pretty good film although a bit heavy handed in tipping plot points ahead of time and the roles are the kinds of things we've seen Duvall, Spacek, and Murray do before. Thing is, they do them so well at this point you won't care about that.
If you're in the mood for a lighthearted yet occasionally somber drama, then this should be on your list of films to catch this week.
If you're in the mood for a lighthearted yet occasionally somber drama, then this should be on your list of films to catch this week.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Things You Learn: At a Free Metric Concert.
1) Oh, you poor, poor, Samsung Rep. You sold yourself good and hard on the idea you could rub some of the "Cool" off on ya didn't ya? Yeah... The first five minutes of this are exactly why doing things like this are risky 'cause most of the people there are just there for the concert and you're a) in the way of that and b) trying to sell things.
To fans of an Indie Band.
Good luck with that, as the Boos and chants for the band throughout your ramble attested.
PS: You had a crowd sitting there from at least 6:00 and you ravished them with.... Banners attached to the stage? Really? Talk about your wasted opportunities...
2) God, I love the opening to Black Sheep. Just need to decide if I wanna raid the Pilgrim soundtrack by song to get it or get the whole thing - a question whose likely answer lies in just how bad/good the "band" songs are.
3) Tall guys will let short girls in front of them so they can see the stage! Chivalry isn't dead...
4) .... especially when it lets you spend the next few minutes looking down her shirt, ogling her ass, and slipping each other subtle high fives/massive grins. To be fair to the guys though, she was damned cute. Good call.
5) Emily Haines is a compressed coil of energy waiting to explode. She also looks like Envy Adams. Just saying.
6) "Best" viewing positions: the hood of the CP24 van. Random limbs of trees across the street.
7) Worst viewing positions: the wall over the stairs down to the subway... Yeah, those stairs are not going to be comfortable if you fall...
8) Fuck, that was a high energy set. It's not surprising they do so well 'cause, for a rock band, everything they do is surprisingly dance inducing....
9) People don't know how to get an encore anymore. Interesting fact: it doesn't involve watching the band walk off and then hopefully staring at the stage while the crew tears it down.
Make.
Some.
Fucking.
Noise.
It probably didn't help that folks heard Stadium Love cranking up and began working their way towards the subway to try and avoid the mob either.
To fans of an Indie Band.
Good luck with that, as the Boos and chants for the band throughout your ramble attested.
PS: You had a crowd sitting there from at least 6:00 and you ravished them with.... Banners attached to the stage? Really? Talk about your wasted opportunities...
2) God, I love the opening to Black Sheep. Just need to decide if I wanna raid the Pilgrim soundtrack by song to get it or get the whole thing - a question whose likely answer lies in just how bad/good the "band" songs are.
3) Tall guys will let short girls in front of them so they can see the stage! Chivalry isn't dead...
4) .... especially when it lets you spend the next few minutes looking down her shirt, ogling her ass, and slipping each other subtle high fives/massive grins. To be fair to the guys though, she was damned cute. Good call.
5) Emily Haines is a compressed coil of energy waiting to explode. She also looks like Envy Adams. Just saying.
6) "Best" viewing positions: the hood of the CP24 van. Random limbs of trees across the street.
7) Worst viewing positions: the wall over the stairs down to the subway... Yeah, those stairs are not going to be comfortable if you fall...
8) Fuck, that was a high energy set. It's not surprising they do so well 'cause, for a rock band, everything they do is surprisingly dance inducing....
9) People don't know how to get an encore anymore. Interesting fact: it doesn't involve watching the band walk off and then hopefully staring at the stage while the crew tears it down.
Make.
Some.
Fucking.
Noise.
It probably didn't help that folks heard Stadium Love cranking up and began working their way towards the subway to try and avoid the mob either.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Guilty Pleasures...
Smoke's Poutinerie. I highly recommend the Triple Pork or the Pulled Pork. Order Small unless you plan to share.
A lot.
Side note: the movie I wanted to see last week doesn't open here until this week and apparently Dinner for Schmucks has been de-clawed - leading me to suspect I could write about it without ever seeing it and get pretty close to the actual plot. Sooooooo.... hiatus time until the interesting stuff opens...
A lot.
Side note: the movie I wanted to see last week doesn't open here until this week and apparently Dinner for Schmucks has been de-clawed - leading me to suspect I could write about it without ever seeing it and get pretty close to the actual plot. Sooooooo.... hiatus time until the interesting stuff opens...
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