Saturday, September 8, 2012

RftP: Worst Writing Ever....

Some guildies have introduced me to Sandra Hill. She specializes in erotic fiction. I honestly don't know what scares me more; that this gets published from a mainstream publisher, or that it apparently made the NYT Best Seller list. An Excerpt:
… Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water.
I take it showers make things wet....
She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet
... no shit...
Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum.
... You know, I've yet to accidentally walk in on a naked women I wasn't dating whose first reaction was to just turn towards me and let it all hang out... Maybe I need to stumble into change rooms more often...
She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf quivering with desire in the hallway.
... you're kidding, right?
Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex.
... Torolf is apparently related to Zapp Brannigan,
He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.
From this we learn that Torolf is either 8 feet tall, or Hilda is a dwarf...
As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.
A Dick Aneurysm is what you get when your idea of research is looking up Explosion in the thesaurus of MS Word.
“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”
Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.
Hilda doesn't get complemented all that often, does she...
“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”
Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.
“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”
... and Torolf is thick as a brick...
At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.
... ok... let's dissect this for a second... Tor is basically back stepping her towards the bed while she's trying to spread her legs... that... that doesn't work well...
Torolf entered her like she was a lottery.
So she's a $2 6/49 whore? $10 Scratch Ticket? $100 Charity Lottery? Somewhere in the middle?
His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.
For all the effort she puts into finding slang for penis, you'd think she'd be able to come up with something other than two variants on "fulfilled" for that sentence.
Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands.
Thanks for clarifying that at the end; I was worried Hilda was stressing her toes...
Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.
Because that sounds incredibly sexy...
Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s.
Ok, now she's just throwing words together...
He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!
The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.
The sex so hot, so heavy, so steamy, so epic that it would be over in 5 sentences.
She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”
But her bed was empty.
Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs.
... galloping abs? Really?

This insanity brought to you by Rough and Ready; a book whose plot - time lost Navy SEAL takes the crack team he's managed to assemble in the future back in time to 11th century Norway to avenge his family - is almost as incredulous as this writing.

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