TLU: Apropos Comparison

Tank: To be fair, I thought the Shammy would make quick work of them all.

Me: Enhancement Shaman know nothing of "quick AOE" you speak of. We only do Tantric AoE: the explosions will be big, but it takes a long time to get there...

TLU: Being Old Has an Over Under (2)

Her: no way, you totally look 19...
Me: Um, ok...
Her: no, it's good thing..
Me: Depends on your point of view.
Her: Huh?
Me: Well, consider this: if I look 19, then I look way too young for the women my age and the ones I'm the "older guy" to are almost entirely illegal.

TLU: Technology Triumphs

News Story: Vogue no longer hiring models "who appear to have an eating disorder".

"We still have Photoshop after all".

TLU: I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means...

Random kid: "Why are you crossing the bridge; aren't you brave enough to come down here!"
Me: "Plenty brave. Just not an idiot"

Soooooooo... there's this, well, I guess creek that used to run down to the lake. It was dredged each year or so such that it was deep and fast moving to ensure the water passed quickly through it from the swampland out to the lake to manage the runoff. In the winter, kids liked to play on it when no one was looking. I say "when no one was looking" because their parents would ground them for a month if they caught them on it for the very simple reason that the things that made it great for moving water in the spring also saw to it that it didn't freeze to ground in the winter, that you'd get soft spots in the ice from the flow rate, and if you went through you'd be downstream from the hole so fast the next time you'd be seen was when they were pulling your corpse out of the lake in the spring. I was old enough to have been around when it last happened. Them, not so much.

It's conversations like that that remind me that bravery is not about doing things that would get you killed - that's just idiocy or thrill seeking - but instead about doing the thing anyone in their right mind would turn and run from because it's what needs to be done.

TLU: Some Personal Responsibility Required

Her: I want my first time to be with someone who wants me so much they just take me no matter what I say...
Me: ... how do you expect that to work when you tell every guy you date rather implicitly that you're waiting and throw up stop signs at every stage? You really want them to just go ahead anyways?
Her: Yes.
Me: You do realize your position is functionally equivalent to expecting someone who's supposed to be "in love with you" to rape you, right?
Her: Well, I wouldn't file charges if I like them...
Me: Unhuh... I'd normally think the appropriate response here is: "good luck with that" if not for the fact that I wouldn't wish that kinda luck on anyone....

TLU: THINK When You Speed TXT People!

Phone Text: Y didnt u cum 2day?
Option 1: Because you didn't knock on my door wearing just a trench coat and a smile?
Option 2: STOP SPYCAMMING ME IN THE SHOWER!!!!!!!
Option 3: What... did the Tories issue a quota?

Seriously, that's not remotely a straight line abbreviation for "come". Sadly, had to go with a suggestion she might want to use Google to brush up on some slang because my sense of humour frequently doesn't play well in text...

Also: she hits... is kinda devout... and very married... which takes a lot of the fun out of wordplay in terms of risk/reward.

TLU: I'm not Remotely Being Judgemental, Just Honest...

Her: What about her, she's cute.
Me: No.
Her: Why?
Me: I don't date smokers.
Her: Why not?
Me: Short answer? Because I don't find the habit appealing.
Her: But, come on, she's pretty and single and...
Me: ... please don't make me give the long answer; it's just going to make me feel like I'm being sanctimonious and you feel like an ass for prodding...
Her: ... no, I want to know.
Me: *sigh* Because I watched my dad die from cancer and my mom die from lung disease and neither of those are remotely pleasant ways to go; they're long and painful wasting processes. So, while I'll be the first to admit nothing's guaranteed in life, I've really no interest in forming a long term intimate relationship with someone who's actively playing chicken with both.

TLU: To the Cute Census Girl

"So... do I get to ask you some questions now?"

TLU: It's Only Really Been 18 for About 30-40 Years...

Mom: She double checked you you know.
Me: I swear to God, I'm getting a fake wedding ring just to stymie your efforts.
Mom: What, it's not like she's underage...
Me: I'm not sure how we got there from that, but ok...
Mom: But, even then, I mean, you've met my friend and her husband? He proposed to her at 13 when he was 30, then married her at 18. I suppose that it's more acceptable for guys to date younger...
Me: ... No... I'm pretty sure proposing to a 13 year old at 30, regardless of gender, is a good way to end up on To Catch a Predator these days...
Mom: I don't think you're a predator!!!

My mom doesn't watch TV news shows. Talking her down from this one took a while...

TLU: Desperation is NOT a Selling Point...

Friend: I don't know why you didn't like her, she was nice.
Me: If you lacked a third leg, I'm sure she was perfectly normal.
Friend: Come on...
Me: She tried to pick me up while I set up her computer account and fixed a couple things.
Friend: So? What's wrong with that?
Me: Her idea of a good opener was to ask if you'd also cried when you turned 30 and weren't married. She then proceeded to go over, in detail, how depressing she found this.

Then, she asked me to a movie.

I might be notoriously oblivious, but even I'll notice the big flashing Acme "Stop!" sign when the lead lemming runs directly past it on the way to the ledge.

TLU: Being "Old" Has an Over/Under

Female Floorie "Come on.", looks in my direction as I'm eating dinner in the common lounge, "Dave, she totally looks older, doesn't she?*"

Me: "Errr... I think I'm being drawn into a conversation I walked into in the middle of and totally haven't been paying attention to. What's going on?"

Instead, I went with: "Of course not!" Safe, right? No girl wants to be told they look old...

For future reference, apparently this is not the correct answer when the girl in question just turned 18 yesterday and has spent the last 30 minutes with the girls on how she doesn't look/feel any older. If looks could kill I'd have died 4 times over that day...

* this is what's called a Tip-Off folks. Have I mentioned I can be a bit oblivious at the best of times... err, yeah...

TLU: Sometimes I wish I was on Twitter...

Her: the diet I'm on is super strict about how much protons I'm allowed

Me: You're on a negative charge diet? That might explain a lot you know...

TLU: Daddy Dearest (Vol. 2)

Dad: Just know that if you hurt my daughter, I'll kill you...
Me: But... she likes it when I hurt her. I mean, you should see this girls collection of whips and paddles... The cat-o-nine-tails is a bit much though...


For the record, I'd have to really dislike the dude to fuck with his mind like that...

TLU: Daddy Dearest (Vol. 1)

Dad: Just know that if you hurt my daughter, I'll kill you...
Me: Ok, but that means my Mom gets to kill her if she hurts me. I'm a firm believer in equal rights after all.

TLU: Hard(core) Sell

Mall Canvasser: Excuse me Sir, do you have a minute for women's rights?
Me: Well... that's not a loaded question at all.

TLU: To the Girl who kept losing her balance on the bus and stomping my foot...

"You know, if your friend told you to hit on me, I think you're taking her way too literally."

Sadly, being casually flirty with a +-18 year old probably isn't appropriate anymore. At least she was in flats...

TLU: From the archives

Me: Know how you're always accusing me of having a different girl in every town?
Her: Yes...
Me: Well, now that Toronto's amalgamated I'm afraid I have to downsize. Sorry.

To be honest, I actually told her this one had been floating around in my head for a while after we broke up on her initiative. Err... within 5 minutes of the fairly civil event actually. Outwardly, she got the joke. Inwardly I suspect it was a reminder of how I tend to deal with stress by cracking wise about it; which was cute to begin with because I'd make her laugh when she was upset but I suspect began to wear.

This was also the one where I learnt the: "don't want to hurt her by ending it" relationship trap is bullshit and an attitude I shouldn't engage in again when things start to go south.

TLU: Because you know you want to say it...

<Insert Familial Meddler here>: "So, when are you two going to get married and have kids?"

"I dunno. When are you going to pay for it and offer to surrogate?"

TLU: See movie, Hit movie...

Her: So, why'd you go see Unstoppable?
Me: Because it was on.
Her: No, no, no... How'd you decide to see that over everything else that was on?
Me: *shrugs* I didn't really give it that much thought.
Her: Come on, I know there's lots of movies on; I see the listings in the paper! Why'd you see this one?
Me: You know, treating every decision as if it were a complex one is probably why you're on those anxiety meds...

TLU: The woman in question was like 5' and looked 18 at ~35

Her GF: If she's going to keep harping on how small [a classmates, shall we say, manhood] is I'm gonna start breaking out the short jokes...
Me: Please. That would be too easy. If her husband wasn't within earshot [and built like an NFL linebacker] I'd go with: "Don't mind the married woman. She hasn't orgasmed in a while so she's really curious what it is you're doing to satisfy your GF"